Well beotches...is it time for a CK5 takeover?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good heavens," said the horrified teacher.
'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

On the day of the Royal wedding, Kate was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Drama!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Kate for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Kate's feet were hurting real bad.

When she and William withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard William say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard William say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last William said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor

 

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy was visiting with his grandmother for the day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was quietly dusting,
he looked up and asked, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Then grandma turned on the TV, but the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The grandson heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s Pastor.

The Pastor said, “Hello, Son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yes Sir, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The Pastor fainted.

 

Do you know what happened 165 years ago this summer.... ??????




September 9, 1850?

California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money
and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women
had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

 

Bob was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, he got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Bob. "What's in the bag?" asked the old Indian. Bob
looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

 

A recently retired man decided to splurge on his golden years of life and bought a new Corvette.
As he left the dealership he got on the freeway and decided to open it up.
80mph, the wind in his thinning hair felt great, 100mph the thrill of life was coming back, at 110mph he noticed a state police car catching up to him, he floored it, 120, 130, then he thinks what the hell am I doing trying to outrun the state police, and decided to pull over. When the cop approached the Corvette he could see the man was nervous. He told the man, "Sir, its 5 O'clock on Friday, if you can give me a reason for driving so fast that I haven't heard yet, I'll let you go with a warning".
The man quickly said "My wife ran away with a state police officer 10 years ago and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good weekend sir"

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.
She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

 

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped
on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or
backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to
the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't
do it,"
Wayne said, "So let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Wayne ..

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

 

Thou shall not lie....

In Catholic schools students are taught that
lying is a sin.
However, instructors are also advised that
using a bit of
imagination is OK to express the truth
differently without
lying. Below is a perfect example of this
teaching:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from
Ireland asked the
priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a
favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for
you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair
dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over
the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for
me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I
must warn you, I
will not tell a lie.'

'With your honest
face, Father, I'm sure that no one
will
question
you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go
first.
The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'

'From the top of
my head down to my waist I have nothing
to declare.'

The official thought
this answer a little strange, so he
asked, 'And what do you have to declare
from your waist
to the floor?'

'I have a
marvelous instrument that has been
designed
for use on women, but
which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go
ahead, Father, Next please.

 

and some gifs to ponder....

 

a few more....

 

and one for xXfumesXx....I mean Rob, I mean Mr. Esch!

 

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" The bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank him again!"


A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

 

Omg, I don't remember most of those.

 

one for the Canadians....

 

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home
from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband
in bed with a buxom young woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living
apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say
in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor.
I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly ."




My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.